VIRGO (Aug. 23-Sept. 22): Thirty-two carrier pigeons were awarded
medals by the United Kingdom for their meritorious service in the World
Wars. Of course, they probably would have preferred sunflower seeds and
peanuts as their prize. Let that lesson guide you as you bestow blessings
on the people and animals that have done so much for you, Virgo. Give
them goodies they would actually love to receive, not meaningless gold
stars or abstract accolades. It's time to honor and reward your supporters
with practical actions that suit them well.

I'm learning more about this. Apparently I can open up other people too. It takes a lot of work and communication, it doesn't feel the same to both people and, for me, at least, it takes sex. But doesn't everything?

It is a gift because I don't gain that much from it except for a sense of accomplishment and joy in the gift I have given. I've already got a connection to the world.

The person I helped open up more had meditation training and experience, so it may take some readiness in that area. I don't know if it's related, but I'm really enjoying encouraging people to take chances and be more themselves. My sweetie on a walker did a strip tease completely to the skin at a club party using her walker as a prop. The audience loved it and she felt empowered.

Another friend has been invited to go to the state capital and speak before Congress. I'm encouraging her to do it and trying to arrange to be there as (im)moral support. Life is fun.

Last check my foot was doing better, but I don't want to look again. I'm on several new drugs for my arterial problems, but too soon to know if they are helping.

3 housemates now, all want to help improve the place. This could work out well :)

Oh yes, boys and girls, the fun never ends! Late last year I started developing a callus and went to my dr to deal with it before the insurance ended 12/31/11. She wasn't there so another dr modified my orthotic and my big toe slid forward from that and got slightly dsamaged.

No huge deal, but it got infected and started turning black! If anyone wants to see, I took a picture in the ER on my phone. They have run many tests, found markers for scleroderma, which my mom had, and sent me today to interventional radiology. They put a catheter down my leg arteries and found a severe narrowing at the ankle, then stented it.

I can already feel more at that toe, but I don'tknowif its enough to save it :( Have to adjust to a few new meds, see how that goes.

Not dead yet!

I found out why I connected so fast to that guy, but it took the end of the relationship to see it.

As I was lying there miserable, I came to the realization that I wasn't so miserable. What's going on? The emptiness inside wasn't so empty.

A friend explained it as the heart chakra opening up. True, I've spent most of my life closed up with intense fear of abandonment. And suddenly I wasn't so afraid because I felt connection to the world. Wow. That internal landscape of rocky ground isn't so rocky any more.

I don't necessarily know how to deal with this; old habits die hard. I've got a lot to relearn, but I can see where I started. When I initially told a friend of mine about the breakup I ended up comforting her. There's an unexpected change right there. I can see where I've been more thoughtful of other people lately.

It did take him, though, to pop me :) I think it would have taken additional years to get to this space without that situation.

This really has promise. I just need to learn how to fulfill that promise.

This transgendered MIT alumna. I wasn't sure what was going on when I found out she (he at the time) had left after one semester. In an evening-long conversation, she told me that that she had attempted suicide by jumping off the bridge onto the rock hard Charles River that winter and was paralyzed as a result.


OMG. yes. it was a very rough school. Yes, I tried cutting my wrists while I was there. Yes, knowing this ties my stomach up in knots every time I think about it because I understand and I was much luckier.

We are still talking and hanging out, but I need to separate my feelings about this from my feelings for the person. She seems to have dealt with the issue. Now I need to.

Once again, I prove my self-destructive nature.

There was this guy in one of the introductory classes I teach. I flirted mercilessly, as I always do. I also keep an eye out for my people at the parties and seemed to keep going back to him to talk week after week. He always greeted me with a big smile and witty repartee.

We ended up exchanging email addresses, then phone numbers, then texting which went up to about 50 exchanges every day. I had to clear out space daily...

But I needed more. I texted him one night that I was eating Cherry Garcia ice cream. He said don't tease him. I asked if he wanted some. After a long pause, he said yes. I told him it wouldn't last and he should come over NOW. He considered a taxi, but I laughed and told him a bus was fine; I needed a few minutes to clean up.

When he got here I immediately started negotiation of bone jumping. He was a little nonplussed but adjusted well. It was glorious. He called me kitten. Sweet, sweet kisses. All problems with anorgasmia vanished. 30 continuous minutes of convulsions proved that :) After the first go-round he kept checking the bus schedule and missing each bus. I asked if he wanted to stay over, He said yes.

I awoke in the middle of the night wrapped in his arms with this strange feeling of peace and contentment.

He seemed somewhat nervous over the next few days. When we saw each other the next Thursday we had a slight discussion about things being too fast. He only said one word during this discussion - "friends?"

After that discussion he brought up a possible reason for the fast connection. We both had training in magic, and the bond snapped into place. Shit. Not something I expected to find at the club, not something I could do much about. Not a connection I knew how to control.

Nothing was defined. When he bought his first flogger he wanted me to be the one to test it on. I arranged for a friend to be there to teach him. We teased each other, me saying it was a nice breeze for a hot day and him touching me intimately then acting like it had been someone else. Uh huh.

I demanded aftercare :) During the cuddling I offered once again for him to come over. He said he needed to recover from being high; I should have patience. Once again, no "no" was uttered. What we had done felt awfully sexual to me.

I offered him a choice in my next text - just talk if he wanted a static relationship, bdsm only if he wanted me to go slower, sex if he wanted it all. The reply said up to and including bdsm. I told him that meant he was still in trouble. Huh? I asked him to explain himself. It took all day to get an unadorned statement that he wanted to be friends. Not an explanation, no "I don't want"s, no information. I seriously needed clarification.

Scary Cindy took over. My texts must have lit the airwaves, Note: definitely not saying this was a reasonable reaction. Not at all.

CALLED him a couple of hours later and gave a lecture on communication, negotiation, boundary issues. He needed to include what he didn't want and a clear adherence to those limits unless renegotiation was called for. Then you talk before going on. Told him I needed to know what was going on in his head; can't work out a delicate and difficult relationship without more knowledge.

No reply for a couple of relationship years (almost 24 hours!), He replied when I said I absolutely needed some feedback if he needed me to wait. Got a reply to wait.

Then I let my craziness out. Started worrying about him and kept texting affirmations, things to remember about expressing boundaries, and words of affection. It was all too much for him. I think I broke his circuits. Finally got a reply - leave me alone.

Was it my failure to stop pushing? Was it my "I love you now go away" syndrome leading me to do the worst possible thing? I haz the mad skillz of Matt Damon in Good Will Hunting.

In any case I succeeded in completely sabotaging myself, driving away someone who truly cared and who wanted to make some kind of relationship work. Someone who would have enriched my life, if I had let him.

Dammit

When Dave left, so did his two cats. Simon Kitteh would wander around the house calling and looking for them, and he'd run outside when the door opened and try to pick up their trail. It seemed like he needed a friend.

I let this be known, and a friend of mine offered a beautiful longhair boy who needed a new home. I said yes, and he brought over the cat, who immediately pooped on the bathroom rug and hid. I would hear him every night in the middle of the night, but he wouldn't come close enough to pet.

It took a while, but I finally convinced him it was okay to come out, and Simon gave him time to be with me for pettings. Our relationship has been developing.

The new cat let me know his name started with El, but it was up to me to discover the rest of his name. If he were magnificent, it would be Elric. Adventurous, Elmore. Swaggering and dark, Elwood. Not too bright, Elmer.

He is Elvin. Kind of elvish, a little on the house elf side of personality. I have made him a tag that says Elvin on one side and I Own Cindy Fry on the other, with my phone number. He is settling in as a member of the household, leaving tufts of that long black fur everywhere.

But I still call him Poopy sometimes.

I know this is last minute, but...

Note: I will not be able to check email before this event. Phone me if you wish to contact me. My number is only a few messages back in this blog.

On September 11 at 11am, we will meet at Jade Garden, 424 7th Ave S, Seattle, WA 98104. Their phone is (206) 622-8181. They are excellent, but they are also crowded and a little high priced. Vegetarian and vegan dishes are available.

Let's dine at Dim Sum (an oriental tea lunch) with a variety of talkative friends. We will sample from different carts as each goes by. Our servers tempt us with the best the kitchen has to offer.

Note: Kids are welcome at Dim Sum. We have a few that may attend. For those that are kid-averse, the kids -are- well behaved but you have to make your own decisions.

To read a little more about dim-sum, please see http://members.fortunecity.com/8dimsum/

Jade Garden is very near the International District bus tunnel stop. Coming from the bus tunnel, walk east up either Weller or King to 7th Avenue.

I am losing connectivity tomorrow. If you need to reach me, call me at two oh six then four six five then four five two seven. Note: leave me a message saying who you are, then I will call you back. Hope to be able to check in again soon

Love,
Cindy

Apparently I look hot in a Japanese school girl outfit. A friend brought one to the club and I tried it on, got some very nice responses when I walked around in it.

This has started some negotiations that completely used up my cell phone battery today. Hee